


Cracked

by lovekernel



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Climate Change, Drabble, Friendship, Gen, Introspection, lotta angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-01
Updated: 2020-02-01
Packaged: 2021-02-25 17:28:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22499818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovekernel/pseuds/lovekernel
Summary: A conversation between Yaz and the Doctor in the TARDIS doorway.
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor & Yasmin Khan
Comments: 7
Kudos: 22





	Cracked

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t know. This isn’t a cheery one, folks. I can’t remember if the Doctor told the fam about Gallifrey burning, I only remember her telling them she was going home and looking for the Master, but this takes place some time after ‘Fugitive of the Judoon’ and in this they know. I just wanted to write something and I was inspired by this bit of ‘Saturn’s Rings’ by Ellen Bass:
> 
> This choreography of ruin, the world breaking  
> like glass under a microscope,  
> the way it doesn’t crack all at once,  
> but spreads out from the damaged cavities.
> 
> And also the rest of the poem, you can read it here if you’re interested:  
> https://www.ellenbass.com/books/like-a-beggar/saturns-rings/

A pale, blue dot. That’s all it was from this distance. A little thing in a universe so much bigger than anyone on Earth could even imagine. It could all be forgotten so easily in this huge expanse. It will, Yaz thought. Orphaned, exactly as they witnessed it. 

Her legs dangled out the doorway of the TARDIS. She looked down, between her knees, into the black. It went on and on and on. Where did it end?

Slow steps of familiar boots approached. The Doctor had disappeared into the depths of the ship for several hours, as she did a lot these days. Graham had gone to bed, then eventually Ryan. Yaz felt calmer now she was back. 

The Doctor sat down behind her and scooched towards the doors until her legs went all the way over the edge. Together they sat in silence, looking out. 

Yaz noticed the Doctor’s eyes turn to her in her periphery. A moment passed and the Doctor spoke.

“What’re you thinking about?”

Yaz hesitated to answer. “Just… the future.”

“Doesn’t mean much on the TARDIS.” The Doctor chuckled, though it sounded hollow. “Can you be more specific?”

“Earth’s future, I guess.”

“Ah.” The Doctor looked out to that blue speck. “Go on.”

Yaz had a second of restraint, then it all poured out in a bitter stream. “It all seems hopeless. Inevitable. You’ve seen it enough, I’m sure, how selfish people can be, only ever focused on the next reward. The people who really have the power to make a difference won’t do anything as long as the way things are benefits them.”

“What we saw was pretty desolate. But time can be rewritten.” 

“Who’s supposed to rewrite it? It’s exactly as I said, all us little humans can keep yelling about heading for extinction. I can’t see the change where it’s needed. It’s still going to happen.”

“Something could shock humans into action.” 

It was a weak response, and Yaz could tell the Doctor knew it, but she kept talking.

“In my time, the earth is burning right in front of us. If that’s not enough of a shock I- what we saw is our future right now, so clearly it wasn’t enough!”

The Doctor didn’t respond this time. 

Could what happened to Gallifrey be rewritten, Yaz wanted to ask. The absence of a ‘there’s always hope’ from the Doctor didn’t escape her attention. The Doctor didn’t have much time for hope anymore. 

The guilt fell on her all at once. Yaz shook her head. “I’m sorry, you don’t need to hear this.”

“It’s alright. You’re allowed to be angry.” The Doctor stiffened. “You know I am.”

She looked exhausted. Yaz studied the lines on the Doctor’s face. When was the last time they were stretched around a smile, a real one? The wrinkle between her eyebrows had deepened. Her lips were held in a tight line. She looked like she was in pain. She was, Yaz reminded herself. Unimaginable pain. How could she bear it? How long until she cracked?

“I wish I could take that weight from you,” Yaz thought aloud. “I’m not sure how much more you can take.” 

She clamped her mouth shut when she realised what she said. The Doctor’s head snapped towards her. 

“I am not some fragile thing, Yaz. I’m stronger than you know.”

“I’m sorry. I know, Doctor, I- I didn’t mean it that way. I just can’t stand to see you in so much pain, none of us can. Just because you can hold all that inside you doesn’t mean you should, or that you have to.” Yaz dared to put her hand over the Doctor’s, tensed around the edge of the floor. To her surprise, she didn’t pull away. “You can talk to us. Talk to me.”

“I don’t want to _talk_ , Yaz.” And her hand was gone, placed on the floor behind her as support to lean back on.

There she was, losing her again. It was a minefield, talking to the Doctor. Yaz was never sure when she had gone too far until she already had. She didn’t know how they could go on like this, or if the Doctor could ever be her old self again. Then, Yaz realised, she didn’t know the Doctor as well as she thought before everything changed.

“Okay,” Yaz said, fighting the protective instinct to shut up. “But when- if you ever do, I’m here.”

Then it was quiet, only purrs and the occasional bleep from the TARDIS. Yaz leaned out until her ears were past the doors and there was silence. The nothingness of space. Peaceful. Frightening. She rocked into it.

A tug on her shirt brought her back. Yaz turned to meet the Doctor’s gaze. She didn’t let go.

“You said the TARDIS wouldn’t let us fall.”

“She won’t,” the Doctor replied. “Neither will I.”

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t believe in the defeatist attitude towards climate change, but it's a weak moment for Yaz, and after all she is burdened with knowing exactly how the future will look. In reality we can dwell on the shittiness of it all for a bit, but it’ll do no good in the long run. We can only do everything we can now to prevent and repair the damage, and deal with what happens as it comes.  
> Sorry this was a bummer but thank you very much for reading!


End file.
